If you feel your parents could use a nudge, here are some ideas to consider to get the conversation going.
There are parents who plan ahead, who never put off dealing with important matters. Some already have their trust and estate plans all buttoned up. If you had or have parents like that, consider yourself lucky – and well done to them! If you as an individual or if you as an estate planner have enjoyed a conflict-free execution of a trust or estate plan, cheers to all!
Not everyone is this fortunate, however. According to figures compiled by JustVanilla.com, about a third of us have or know someone who has experienced familial conflict because of lack of estate planning (source: Wealth Counsel). The same number of folks say the most damaging outcome in the absence of an estate plan is leaving loved ones without much-needed funds (source: Vanilla 2023 State of Estate Planning Report). Add to that the cost of probate, where expenses can cost as much as 10% of a person’s estate while taking years to resolve (source: LegalZoom). All of this is avoidable, but it is not something you want to put off.
Consider these approaches and concepts when you feel it is time to initiate "the Estate talk" with parents, siblings, and other loved ones.
- Broaching the Subject. Rather than barreling into a conversation with your mom about her inevitable demise, you might mention a book or article you read about estate planning. Or mention a news story about a celebrity who died without a plan and the chaos it caused among family members and business partners. Or bring up your own estate planning and the wishes and arrangements you have made. You know your family, though. Some families are more comfortable with directness, bluntness, and even humor. Choose what works for you.
- Expressing Gratitude and Intention. It is important to say how grateful you are – if it is true! – for all they have done for you and the family. If that really is not the case, consider expressing pride about something they have achieved, accomplished, built, or created, such as a business, a home, a collection of personal artwork. Underscore that the purpose of the conversation is to make sure their wishes are respected after they pass away. Also, should they become incapacitated, you want to be sure they are properly and appropriately cared for.
- Delivering the Message. You may not feel you are able to express yourself tactfully in sensitive situations. In that case, if you are a good writer, or know someone who is, consider writing a letter to initiate conversation.
- Compassion. Ensure your parent understands that estate planning is not about what you will get out of it. It is about making sure their intentions are clear and carried out accordingly. Do they have grandchildren or favorite charities? Do they have certain belongings they want preserved or enjoyed by someone special after they are gone? How do they want their lives to be managed if they are incapacitated?
- Respect. You are not probing how much money they have or what their house is worth. Specifics are not important. Your goal is to understand their desires and intentions, not to invade their space.
- Timing I. Springing the subject on your parents between the main course and dessert at Thanksgiving is, obviously, not recommended. Sometimes opportunities will present themselves. Other times you will want to set a time to discuss how they want their estate to be handled.
- Timing II. Have these conversations when your parents are healthy, physically and mentally. For their sake and for the sake of the estate, you do not want them making decisions or agreeing to terms when they may not fully understand them.
- Place. In person is best. If that’s not possible, web meetings are the next best thing.
- Inclusion. Meeting with siblings separately or one-on-one to get a sense of everyone’s wishes and expectations can help avoid surprises.
- Transparency. Ensure that all interested parties know the plan. Withholding information – especially if results in disappointment or resentment when it comes time to execute a will – is fertile ground for lengthy challenges and costly disputes.
- Professional assistance. There are many certified, qualified, and experienced estate planning professionals. Shop around. Meet with more than one. Make certain you and your parents are comfortable with the person. Get a referral. Consult with other professionals you know. Estate planners know how to navigate these waters to ensure that an individual’s wishes are carried out smoothly and their assets are maximized to the benefit of their heirs.
We hope these give you some ideas for getting the estate planning conversation started. If you are looking for an estate planner or if you feel a dispute may be simmering that could jeopardize your parents’ estate, please give us a call. We work with a network of highly qualified estate planners who can help set your family up for success. We would be happy to direct you.
Additional Reading
Professionals are always urged to take proactive measures to protect the assets, wishes, and rights of their clients. As the case above demonstrates, developing a record of an individual's cognitive capabilities is a best practice. To assist estate attorneys and planners in this mission, The Estate Lawyers has prepared a paper titled Undue Influence: Protecting Clients and Their Estates by Amy Gostanian, Managing Partner.
Complete this form and download the paper now!